Same Same, But Different

there is not much difference. I still feel empty, except that I was less lonely.

You are different. I can't find the feeling that I had, tried in vain, it's all your fault.

S.T.U.C.K

I'm still stuck here, I cannot get out.

I attempted to get out, but I can't. I have so many people and stuff to be concerned about. I cannot just walk out like that.

Why don't I get what I want? Why does everything have to go against my will? Having not look forward to arrive home is something really irritating me and getting on my nerves. But why must I be forced to go home, I don't like it. I don't like to be forced into anything.

The words are full of contradictions, I don't know why you are doing this. You're making me lose confidence and make me feel lonely and all by myself.

Yes, I am probably all by myself, and I've to face all these alone - whether I like it or not.

Maybe you were right, the problem lies with me. You're not obliged to help me or support me at all, because you're not related to me anyway, right?

Feeling transparent and having to cry so hard everyday that my eyes hurt the next day is no joke. But you want me to go through all these, to make everyone have a 'good impression' of me and to make everyone think that I am a GOOD GIRL. Yea, I'm ONLY 22. I'm still a kid that needs to be controlled, if not I'll go wild, which I probably, to you, already is.

FINE. I'll face all these agony all by myself EACH DAY.

When you feel like the whole world is against you.,

you'd want someone by your side, supporting you to the fullest, whether or not you're doing the right things.

But when reality strikes and you're banished back to what you are SUPPOSED to do, it sucks big time. Apparently there seems to be no right or wrong, it's a matter of pacifying which party(ies), making which party happy, or making yourself happy.

As it seems, I'm SUPPOSED to do everything that is against my will and make myself the only one who is unhappy.

I sit here all by myself, staring at something that doesn't respond, thinking of how good it will be if there is someone right beside me now, who can listen to me and react to what I say, whether I make sense or not.

But there is no one. Nothing. I hate this. But it seems that I MUST feel this way for the rest of my life until I get out of here. Why do I have to put myself into this shit. Dammit.

when all else goes wrong

it's annoying, when I thought everything is going as planned, is nothing but my imagination.

When people who smile at you always suddenly becomes judgmental & looks at you with 'coloured eyes', the chinese say. Your every move becomes the key, and your every word becomes the main issue of how you are judged.

When all these steps in, the thing I need most if support. But I gained nothing. Instead, I earned endless accusations, and was hurled at, just because of something that was not done by me.

The agony that I'm going through. I don't like it.

I think I'm stepping into it again. I can't seem to smile.

The Proposal

pro⋅pos⋅al

–noun

1.	the act of offering or suggesting something for acceptance, adoption, or performance.

2.	a plan or scheme proposed.

3.	an offer or suggestion of marriage

What is the definition?

When I was in school, I WRITE up a proposal for my project.

When I'm at work, I MAKE a proposal to my boss for the betterment of the company.

We sat side by side on the sofa, you being topless and empty-handed, TOLD me when you would like to marry me. Do I consider that a proposal?

You held me close (still topless and empty-handed), held me in a dancing position, and then you surprised me by letting me go in a 下腰 position, and you pop the question in a joking manner. Do I consider that a proposal?


No I don't. (:

I can't recover

I've yet to recover, I thought I had. Each time I hear a related song, each time I see a similar scene, each time I hear a familiar story, I shed tears. As much as I try to control myself, I can't. I never used to succeed in crying at the count of 10. I can now, because I just have to think of you.

The way you call my name is still ringing in my head. I wish I can hear you call me again, I wish you can make the YUM-YUM-SO-SWEET milo for me again. I wish you can stand up and travel around like you used to.

I was so happily sad when I dreamt of Her last night.

I'm not sure if it were you as the dream was so blur and in a mess. I tried forcing myself back to sleep to see you again, but I fell into a dreamless sleep.

I miss you so much. Will you call my name again, like you used to, if you were to come into my dreams again?

The Warmth That I Thought Was Real

It has been 22 years since I was delivered.

But I only enjoyed 5 years or less of my life, as part of the family. I was might as well made redundant, because they were expecting a dick, instead of a 'hollow cave'. I would be the last and the youngest if I had a dick.

I wonder how things will be now if I really had a dick.

I've always thought myself as a burden because they'd prefer much to stop at two, but they weren't given a choice. That probably explained the 'restricted freedom' that I get. How can freedom be restricted? Because my own parents give me the freedom, as much as I want. But behind me, they most probably told the whole world how rebellious and how disobedient I was, especially to the godmother who brought me up.

In front of me, they told me how my godmother protects me, and how unreasonable she can get to protect me. They were also pissed off when she yelled," If you don't want this daughter, give her to me, I'll make her mine!"
They are obviously jealous and trying to make the relationship soiled. Well congratulations to them for succeeding. They managed to make my godmother think of how bad a girl I am and how much she hates me rebelling against my own parents. I have to swallow whatever sarcasm and negative approaches from her, and given her character, no I'm not given a chance to explain myself.

My pride and disappointment aside, I try to give the family a better place to live in, with the comfort and luxury that we never used to have, given the fair amount of salary that I am earning. Well, "YOU ARE WELCOME." I wonder if I were doing the right things, whether I am being appreciated at all.

My mother was ill. I offered to bring her to the doctor, and was on the way home to pick her. But she said,"Oh it's okay, your brother is bringing me there now." A little shocked by what I heard, I convinced myself that my brother probably has finally grown up and knows how to show a little concern.
But who knows! There was a story behind a story.

He dragged her to the electronics store and successfully persuaded (but does he need to persuade her as much as my sister and I need to? I doubt so.) her to buy a laptop for him, paying by installments.
& the best part was my brother was the one who called me to probably show off, and asked me if a particular brand is good. I told my mum not to buy, but she exclaimed,"IT'S OKAY WHAT! INSTALLMENTS WHAT, I CAN PAY WHAT! HE NEEDS A LAPTOP WHEN HE GOES POLY ANYWAY!"
Excuse me, did I hear wrongly? I remember VERY clearly, when I went poly,and was ALREADY enrolled and studying (I only had a desktop sponsored by my godmother, and the monitor, keyboard and mouse are all 2nd hand, without the basic Microsoft Office) , she told me,"Why do you need to buy a software so expensive? Why do you need a laptop? Who says everyone who studies poly NEEDS a laptop? So you're telling me that poor families cannot study poly because they cannot afford a computer/laptop lah?!"

HA HA HA.
Yes, those were the exact words she said to me.

& when I told her that it's really very inconvenient, I would need to stay in school to use the computer in the lab, and if all happens to be occupied, I would have to queue. And guess what she said,"Then you wait lor, no choice.!"

Are my words so not influential? Or are my needs so unimportant? And she could tell me that our financial burden is not so heavy anymore because I'm contributing. So i bombarded her,"So you're telling me that the money that I've earned from my hard work, I'm only contributing to the luxurious life that my brother is living now, and not the respect that I deserve?"

Silence.

Well I take that as a yes.

She tried to explain that we were to poor to afford a computer for me then. Okay, I accept. That doesn't mean that your beloved son can make use of you, and the money that I give, that is supposedly for YOU.

Everything in my life is going wrong. I wish I can just die now. So that nobody will have a chance to bully me.

FUCK IT.